Did you know that all you have to do to become a famous rock star and sign a multi-million dollar record deal is to pose with a slutty foreigner (bizarrely played in “Undiscovered” by Shannyn Sossamon) and have a few girls make you the topic of their blogs? Yep, that’s all it takes – at least according to this goofy teen film. No talent is needed; you don’t have to even want success. All you have to do is move to LA and things will magically happen without you even being aware of what’s going on.
In a nutshell, “Undiscovered” is the story of a pretty boy singer (newcomer Steven Strait) who bumps into a girl (another newcomer: Pell James) in New York and falls instantly in love - even though the two never talk. He then moves to LA, works odd jobs, plays in a band, has a visit from his brother (Kip Pardue), runs into the girl from NY who is a famous model now living in LA trying to be an actress, falls in love all over again, breaks up, gets back together, breaks up, gets back together. And so on and so forth ad nauseam.
So illogical, disjointed, and outright lame is the storyline that I half expected mythical unicorns to dance around onscreen, maybe accompanied by a few magical leprechauns or some other such foolishness. At least then I would have known for sure that the filmmakers were winking at us and that nothing onscreen was meant to be taken as any form of art. And adding a few really goofy touches would have made it fun to watch this ‘should have gone straight to video’ movie. As it is, the film takes itself so seriously that it was all I could do to restrain myself from wasting a $4 cup of coffee by throwing it at the screen in frustration.
There are bad movies that are so much fun to watch they actually transform into good movies. You rework the dialogue in your head a la Mystery Science Theater and create your own form of entertainment. But “Undiscovered” is a bad, bad, bad movie that’s less enjoyable than having your toes crushed by a trash truck. I didn’t even want to write this review because it brings up the excruciatingly painful memory of having had to sit through this train wreck.
I’m guessing it’s only because of Ashlee Simpson that “Undiscovered” (previously titled “Wannabe”) is being pushed into theaters. But if you thought Mariah Carey was horrible in “Glitter,” you might just have a little more compassion for Ms. Carey’s performance after seeing Simpson try to act. And I do mean try. It’s unnatural and uncomfortable to watch.
Simpson’s not alone in the over/underacting department. This movie is packed with supporting players who seem to have figured out after signing their contracts that the movie didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of working.
Yet despite the ugliness, there are a couple of bright spots. I actually thought the two main actors – Steven Strait and Pell James – showed some talent. Hopefully their freshly hatched careers won’t suffer setbacks because of this misstep.
“Undiscovered” should have remained just that – undiscovered. Here’s hoping that’s what happens to it at the box office.
GRADE: D-
"Undiscovered" was directed by Meiert Avis and is rated PG-13 for sexual material including dialogue, partial nudity, language and drug content.
