There’s absolutely nothing appealing about “The Ice Harvest.” I realize this is a movie about a couple of bad apples surrounded by a basket-load of rotten fruit, however at the core of “The Ice Harvest” is a blackened pit that’s sure to leave an ugly aftertaste in your mouth. (Sometimes these descriptions just pop into my head and they won’t leaf…er, leave.)
The Story
Two new names get added to Santa’s naughty list when semi-friends/associates – mafia lawyer Charlie (John Cusack) and pornographer Vic (Billy Bob Thornton) – rip off mob boss Bill Guerrard (Randy Quaid) for $2,147,000 on Christmas Eve.
Instead of leaving town immediately, the two separate for the night but not before promising to meet up the next morning to start their new lives on the lam. Vic holds on to the bag of money while Charlie bides his time hitting on a strip club owner (Connie Nielsen in a role that's straight out of an old black and white detective movie of the 40s or 50s), drinking, and taking care of his ex-wife’s new alcoholic hubby, Pete (Oliver Platt).
Over the course of the evening Charlie comes to realize that his partner in crime may not be the most trustworthy person on the planet (no claim was ever made suggesting Charlie’s a rocket scientist). He also figures out that he’s terrible at acting innocent when $2 million in stolen money is at stake.
Where It All Goes Wrong
Where do I start? Okay, let me get this straight. These guys rip off $2 million in cash from a mob boss and they’re scared of a little ice on the road? I understand it’s winter and the roads are tricky to navigate but, I don’t know, if I stole $2 million from a mobster, I’d find a way to get the heck out of Dodge – or in this case, Wichita – as quickly as possible.
Why the only so-so friends decide to kill 8 hours after having stolen millions from a mobster by hanging out in strip clubs, restaurants, and bars all over the seedy side of town doesn’t make much sense. But that’s just one of the frustrating twists that doesn't add up in this noir-ish heist film. I doubt the point of the two thieves staying in Wichita was simply to show naked women dancing around poles, however that’s about as logical an explanation as I can come up with.
The characters in “The Ice Harvest” are just plain nasty. They’re barely funny, almost never interesting, and when the gunfire starts late in the film, I found myself wishing one of the main characters would get killed. They’re that annoying.
The Acting
Cusack’s good but detached. Platt’s funny when his character’s not obnoxiously hitting on much younger women. His character’s drunken shtick works for a short while – and I emphasize short.
Nielsen does her best impression of Lauren Bacall as she vamps her way through the role of a gorgeous femme fatale. Nielsen’s character is straight out of a classic noir, down to the way director Harold Ramis plays with the lighting of her face. Unfortunately for Nielsen, she’s the only one in the movie participating in that particular genre of film. Whenever she interacts with anyone, it’s like watching two bizarrely spliced together movies trying to share the same space. The result is laughable even when the dialogue isn’t meant to be funny.
It’s really Billy Bob Thornton who gets the short end of the stick. I’m estimating he’s in “The Ice Harvest” for all of 20 minutes. Even Platt’s role is bigger than Thornton’s. We’ve seen Thornton in a biting, hilarious, black Christmas comedy and we know he can handle it, but this is no “Bad Santa.”
There Are Better Ways to Spend Two Hours
Watch the trailer for the best parts of “The Ice Harvest” and then go rent “The Ref” if you really want to see a truly funny dark Christmas comedy. Although it’s advertised as a comedy, “The Ice Harvest” is anything but. What it is is a disjointed mess full of improbable situations and unpleasant characters. It's just pointless.
GRADE: D
"The Ice Harvest" was directed by Harold Ramis and is rated R for violence, language and sexuality/nudity.
