At least I can keep this review rather short. Gigli had no recognizable plot. Theres something about two hit men (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez yeah, right) kidnapping a mentally challenged teenager (Justin Bartha) who is the younger brother of the Federal Prosecutor in charge of bringing Larry Giglis (Affleck) boss boss to trial. Got that? Dont worry, you wont be quizzed later. You can forget the plot, it means absolutely nothing to the film.
The main problems (thats plural) include the severe case of overacting that hit the set right as the film was being made, a hit woman who isnt in the least bit tough, a hit man whos a throw-back to some bad TV movie from the 80s, dialogue that makes you want to heave your popcorn bucket at the screen, ludicrous unrelenting close-ups (if I wanted to know how many hairs Affleck has in his nose, I would have looked it up on the Internet), a kid whose problems seem to change from Tourettes to Autism to whatever moves the plot along, every character telling Jennifer Lopez how beautiful she is, Lopez actually uttering the line, "It's turkey time, gobble, gobble," Christopher Walkens almost indecipherable monologue, Al Pacino as a pony-tailed mob boss, the suicide attempt of Rickis (Lopez) lesbian lover in a bizarre scene that had no business being in the film, and oh yeah, the whole lesbian issue. Sure, one look at Giglis bulging muscles and shes so gaga she forgets shes a lesbian (or maybe she saw Affleck in Chasing Amy - another movie where he pursues a lesbian - and got confused). And the sex scene! Man, I can do without ever having to sit through something that torturous again. How could so much off screen heat generate not even a flicker on the screen? The vow this couple should exchange is to promise to never step foot in front of a movie camera together again as long as they both shall live.
Leaving the film my husband turned to me and said, This wasnt the worst film of the year. True. I thought Gods and Generals was worse. But I walked out of Gods and Generals before it was over and had to sit through the entire 2 hours of Gigli. Tooth extraction without Novocain would have been less painful.
Gigli was directed by Martin Brest (full cast and crew list) and is rated R for sexual content, pervasive language and brief strong violence.